Random Ponderings
I don't smoke. I think it's a nasty, expensive habit. Growing up, my parents each smoked a pack a day. They've since cut back drastically, but my opinion of cigarettes has never changed. Quite hypocritcally, I enjoy a good cigar. Mind you, I haven't had a cigar in... two and a half years. I still have the last cigar from the last time I smoked one. It's sitting in my desk drawer next to a calculator and a ruler. I've had this cigar longer than I've had my wife(it's kinda funny to think about it that way because it feels like I've been married forever).
In any case, I was straightening up my den(I call it this, though it's really just a bedroom with a computer and a bunch of swords in it), and ran accross it in my drawer. I got to thinking about the night I'd bought it. The entirety of the story is long, and something I just don't care to dwell on. Suffice it to say that I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship for several years, and my two best friends became distant. I can't say I blame them. They were always there for me, but they couldn't stand watching me put up with the abuse I took. There was a breakup, as tends to happen in these stories, and these two wonderful friends and I were begining to bond again. One night we decided to have a boys night out. It had not yet happened, since the breakup, that the three of us got to hang out together again. So, the three of us piled in a van, bought a pack of cigars, drove around talking and singing loudly and off key. It was an excellent night, and the three of us, highschool companions, were reunited once more. It's a night I'll never forget. I don't know if it meant as much to them, but to me it was a return to my real life.
Now, I've got this cigar. It's a reminder to me of how much two men care about it, and the fact that they will always be there for me. It's amazing to me how such a simple thing like a cigar can signify so much, and how randomly stumbling accross one can lead to an entire night of contemplation on what friendship is. I feel very blessed to have two friends as great as them. Any more, I only see them about once a week. One is taking college classes. The other followed my path and got married. Now he and his wife(another highschool friend of ours) have a baby. So, we only see each other once a week when we get together to game.
Baby. That's another major topic. I'm so confused on whether or not I want a kid. My wife, for a long time, wanted one very badly. I would go so far as to say she was obsessed with it. A year and a half later, after trying and not succeeding, large specialist doctor's bills, and more heartache than can be calculated, that obsession has died out. For several reasons, mostly defect in myself, the odds of us conceiving natually are slim. It could happen. But the odds are against it. So, we pretty much know what we have to do to have a kid, and what it will cost to have it done. We could do it, but, the question is, do we still really want to. That's a hard question to answer. I know how badly my wife has always wanted one, but that's not a good reason to have a kid. Making that major of a life decision because someone else wants it(no matter how important of a person that someone else is) is not a good idea. I need to decide if it's what I really want. If I don't, and we do it, it could easily lead to bitterness. Bitterness towards wife and/or kid is really really bad.
I kinda want a kid. I see teh joy it brings to my friend. I am told by all that it is the greatest thing in the world, and nothing will ever bring more joy. It's also a large responsibility. It's a change to my lifestyle I don't know that I like. The loss of freedom, the financialy rearrangement that it entails. These are both big issues. More importantly though, I have a deep seated fear of having a child. I have a bad temper, and very little tolerance for loud noises such as screaming and yelling. I'm afraid I'll get frustrated and hurt my kid. My wife tries to tell me I'm being irrational, and I'm too gentle of a person to such a thing... so on and so forth. I don't think she's ever seen me loose my temper. She doesn't understand. Even if she's right, I'd still be constantly afraid I would, and thus loose out on the joy I should be having at this life I've brought into the world. And, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I want it to happen naturally, be a surprise. Paying to have it done with a turkey baster just doesn't fit my ideas of starting a family. I don't know. It's a large topic. I don't think I could ever get it all out, I don't know what all is there to let out. I hate not understanding how I feel. Unfortunately that seems to have become more common as I've gotten older (not that I have much room to say that, being only 24). But, until I get myself figured out, I don't think a kid is in the immediate future. For now, I just appologize to my wife and tell her I'm not ready. She's not happy with that answer, but she realizes that she can't really get another until the time is right.
well, that's this morning's thoughts. Till next our paths cross, may your days be filled with joy and growth, love and companionship.
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